Posted in mental health

Hypomania – it’s so awesome, it’s fucking awful.

The contradictory nature of hypomania can be a difficult one to live with!

It can be difficult not to question yourself, your motives and when you think it’s the “real you” and then it vanishes like a ship into the night it’s hard to deal with.

bipolar disorder hypomania
bipolar and hypomania

The last few days I’ve been as flat as a pancake.

The odd spark of activity will fill my mind but I will still be sat 10 minutes later thinking about how it’s a good idea….but that I really just can’t do it because I feel deflated.

Like one of those helium balloons that was full of life and headed to the ceiling only held down by a pretty, shiny weight but if that were to have broken it would have been off onwards and upwards towards the sky, any of the paths it may have taken being possible. But it’s been sat there a while and now it’s looking a bit sad, the air has left it and its hovering between the sky and the floor, undecided which it belongs to.

That balloon is me. not only me but anyone else that has visited hypomania.

Hypomania is amazing, I’m not going to lie.

In certain situations, in the right conditions, as long as it doesn’t get “too much”, as long as it doesn’t go “too high” (Which would then be full blown mania which is a different ball game altogether), as long as it doesn’t end up as agitating and frustrating. (This is not fun to deal with!)

As long as it is hypomania in its pure form, it is something that many people with bipolar disorder don’t want to lose. Why many people with bipolar disorder refuse medication or take themselves off it, because they don’t want to lose that spark and the creativity, worrying they will be left not being able to feel any of those things and you know what? I totally get it. I do. I understand why someone would feel that way.

Put it this way, in just over two weeks I write 85,000 words, I made new designs until they came out of my ears, I felt happy, like things were possible, the doubt in myself was less, I believed in myself, I was going to sleep at 2/3am and waking at 7am without feeling tired meaning I was able to do more in a day. I didn’t even really want to go to sleep because there were things I could be doing! Everything seemed brighter somehow, more positive.

Who would want to let go of that feeling right?!

To the outside world, you look in a great mood, people are more drawn to the energy you have. No one would suspect a thing about it being anything to do with a mental illness and so why should I? Maybe this is just a great mood? Maybe this isn’t like the other times? Maybe this will last and this is just the new fantastic person I have become and this will just carry on and it will just be amazing! Right?!

Wrong.

I think these things EVERY. TIME. You would really think I would have learned by now but each time I manage to convince myself I’m just a good mood and that my partner needs to stop looking at me like I need to chill out.

I’m just being productive! Ok, VERY productive. But get off my case!!!

Imagine you went out, you had a few drinks, you reach that point where you’re merry, you feel fantastic, you’re not too drunk but you know you’ve had a drink. You socialize easier, you feel good about yourself. Suddenly things you were doubting seem possible. You talk about those things and you actually believe them and FUCK YEAH, you know what? it’s all going to be ok. The week’s stresses start to vanish. You dance and you talk and you feel lighter.

Now imagine someone was to come up to you right in the middle of this and tell you that you’d had enough, that it was time to go home, they were calling you a taxi and you needed to get yourself home to bed. How would you react? You’d probably tell them to do one, to fuck off, that they don’t know what they’re going on about and that you were having a good time!

That is a very simple way to explain someone who is hypomanic and being told that they “need to go home”

It’s frustrating.

So, it’s hard to accept that our feelings aren’t “correct” that it isn’t just how we are, that this will end, that this is going to fall flat.

I always have a glimmer that this is my new ultra positive self.

Inevitably, I end up the deflated balloon.

Every time it happens it’s disappointing. It’s hard to wake up and realize that you no longer have the drive for all those things that you were only doing yesterday, you wonder why you were so excited about them? Maybe drink more to try and revive the lingering high but you know it’s going…And you know what that means…

Deflated balloon syndrome strikes but the tug of that helium can still be felt, there’s still the sparks that come in waves but then quickly vanish and you’re tired, drained……hungover.

It’s so easy to think “I don’t want to take my medications anymore” because you want to live for those moments, you don’t want anything to squash that feeling and miss out on those times.

I’ve thought about it myself. I also know however that all it takes is a little snip of the string on that balloon and I will rise to mania and everything that comes with it, The agitation, the paranoia, and god forbid the delusions.

For me, it’s not worth it, it’s not worth the risk to me or my family and so I keep on popping those pills as I should. To attempt to stay as much on the straight and narrow as I can but by Christ, Hypomania can mess with your head.

Don’t get me wrong when it comes I ride that wave and I usually do some pretty awesome things that even while I’m sat in a state of depressive aftermath, I’m still glad I did them but it’s always a feeling of loss every time which just sucks.

Still, I’ve learned to accept it more for what it is, I’ve learned to acknowledge it, usually laugh about it and know that it will pass and I will be back to myself soon enough with enough oomph and creativity to keep me going on a normal level and I’m quite happy with that.

There’s no denying it though that hypomania can be awesome at the time, what goes up must come down as they say, and so it can be so awesome, it’s fucking awful.

The joys of living with mental health issues.

Author:

Mental Health Advocate ♡ Recovered from Anorexia & Self harm ♡ Bipolar Warrior ♡ Etsy shop owner ♡ Sender of "Happy Post"

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