Wow, it’s been way to long! I haven’t done any proper vlogs or blogs for sometime now. To be honest I kind of lost touch with everything for a while and am just starting to try and find some sort of path again.
In Summer last year We found out that my very special person ( for anyone that has read my book In Bloom Not Broken you will know her as the lady that I referred to as my “Nan” – she wasnt actually my nan in the technical terms. She was really more Mom, that would be a more accurate description but just not by blood, had pancreatic cancer.
She bought me up, gave me all of my childhood memories and was always there for me no matter what. There was barely a week of my life I went without seeing her plus phone calls during the week. I have never known life without her. She was my rock, my friend, my mother figure, my right arm.
She never was able to have children and she always said I was the daughter she could never have and she was the Mom that I always wanted.
Not long prior to this I cut contact with my my own (biological) Mom for various reasons and following a conversation that needed to take place even though I don’t think she will ever understand why.
When I found the diagnosis out we decided to get married so that she could give me away and be there, it was very important to me – I would have struggled to have got married happily once she had gone so we planned a very small wedding for ….Wait for it….Friday 13th September (the same day as the harvest moon! – totally unplanned lol)
She held on for that day and fought to get to it – we went to the malvern hills and on the morning say outside with a cuppa with a beautiful view and amazing weather given the time of year and then she walked me down the aisle.
I am so so grateful for these moment and memories of that day.
Following the wedding she declined rapidly and I was a whirlwind of work, looking after my daughter, college work as I was approaching the end of my level 3 counselling course, assignments and going to look after her and be there for her each morning and each evening.
5 weeks after the wedding she passed away. Those 5 weeks and seeing what I saw and hearing what I heard from the lady that was always my rock has not quite left my head. I’m not sure it ever will. It broke my heart.
The image of someone you love so much who you have never been without being there in body but no longer there and being wheeled away by an undertaker is something I think stays ingrained in your memory.
The day after she passed I went to college – I have no idea why – I think I went in to autopilot. I passed my level 3 somehow and completed all the work but it was very difficult and it’s pretty much been difficult since.
It’s funny when someone passes away – you get lots of “sorry for your loss” and “if you need anything”s but it almost seems that after a week or so people forget that you have lost the most important human in your world and that it must be ok now because you’re cracking on….What other choice is there? It doesn’t mean it’s gone away. In fact after the initial period it got a whole lot worse but I felt lonely. I was working on a childrens book (to be shared in next blog post!) But I lost pizzazz because Betty had kept asking when it would be done and now she wouldn’t see it, I lost oomph for my business because she used to come every week and ask what I was making now and now I had no one to show….The list went on….It still goes on. I am still struggling with this but I know how much she hated to see me sad so I’m doing my best to pick things back up and do my best which is all I can do.
I just want to say though if you know someone struggling with grief please reach out to them, dont always wait for them to come to you. It’s an incredibly overwhelming time and someones thought and time is appreciated. If someone has lost someone incredibly close they are already going to feel so alone – please make the effort and pop over, have a cup of tea, ask them to the pub, offer a day out – anything, it is really so important. Losing a parent or equivalent is horrendous. Really it is and if you are lucky enough to not have experienced that yet please just take a moment to imagine and then how much you would appreciate some time. Even 10 minutes. Reach out. Hold a hand out for someone that needs it.
I’m not back to normal – I don’t think I ever will be – too big a piece of my life is missing now and I’ve felt quite pressured to get back to normal (whatever that is) but we all deal with grief differently and I’m doing it the best way I can. Only my husband mnkws really just how much I’ve struggled and just how hard this has hit me and how I’ve coped (or not coped) but slowly slowly I will put my pieces back together.
So apologies that I have been away for so long but my path got a bit lost. I’m starting to get back on it though so hopefully things will get better little by little and I can figure out where I go next.
I’m here and a lot of that is down to my Betty who stuck by me through thick and thin ♡