Posted in anxiety, mental health, mental health awareness, Uncategorized

The Distance Between Now And Then Can Be Further Than You Thought.

It’s easy to underestimate how far we’ve come – even when it’s all crashing down.

I haven’t posted for some time because, basically everthing started falling apart.

I had to cancel my event first and foremost because I didn’t feel I had enough support. Every aspect of the event was pretty much organised single handedly and It was a lot for one person. Add on to that one person that had been really poorly and I was desperately trying to bring it all together by myself. Add to this my partner losing his job, trying to catch up coursework that I had missed while ill and I realised that I just couldn’t do it anymore.

That was a blow for me, I don’t like admitting defeat and I had started out very excited about it but I realised that I was doing way too much alone and I was going to break. Then I realised how far I had come from the past in being able to realise this, stand up for myself and move on. In the past I would have carried on going and not said a word about how I was feeling, let alone stood up to someone I looked at as higher authority and not accepted the way I was being spoken to. The event may have felt like i’d failed but ultimately I realised I had made massive steps here!

Now to the current situation…..I will cut a long story short but my partner lost his job, the money I get has kept us in food….JUST. The internet, TV and my phone have all been disconnected at points and we have had to borrow money for food at times. He was contracting after he got made redundant a few years ago – therefore self employed – therefore told he cannot get Job Seekers allowance or any help (A nice screw you from the government there as this is someone thats worked since 16, paid tax and never been on benefits) So we have been on a countdown clock on him getting a job in time before we are forced to ask for an eviction notice, to be put on the homeless register to get housing help which will include temporary accommodation with a 5 year old who loves her current school and would have to leave, 2 dogs and furniture we can’t afford to put in to storage. We have tried and contemplated every other way but it’s just led to the inevitable which is coming ever closer.

To add to that I am 2 weeks off finishing my level 2 counselling course that I have waited for over a decade to do and was meant to be starting my level 3 in June but now cannot afford the course fees (with no funding help as it’s a small training centre) – That hurts a lot as this is my dream that I finally thought I was going to do but now is looking unlikely so all my classmates will move to level 3 apart from me and I am totally gutted.

Finally and hugely add to the shitstorm that I finally told my Mom how I felt about our relationship (I think after so much going on it tipped my balance of being able to continue feeling like half a daughter – not one that really mattered anyway) and ended up having a blow out on Mothers Day and we are no longer talking. This has caused a whole storm of emotions and has been really difficult.

Mix all that together in a nice big pot of what the hell and it’s safe to say it’s not been an easy time.

The reason I am saying this is because in times past I would have melted by now. I would have simply not coped.

Am I saying I have my shit together? HELL NO.

However I am more of a functioning human in this curent situation that I once would have been.

If we lose our home, if we end up in temporary accommodation, If my Mom can’t see past the end of her own nose and isn’t willing to change…..What can I honestly do about any of it? I have tried, I have thought, I have confronted and looked at the whole situation…What more can any of us do realistically about a situation?

I have realised over the the years that sometimes acceptance is the best policy. Accept yourself, others, situations – change what you can and leave what you can’t.

I’m exhausted and stressed and heartbroken…..But I haven’t broken…YET. That’s a million miles from where I once was. How far you’ve come is easily forgotten. Strength sometimes comes when you have no choice but it’s also possible in these times to see progress even when it may feel like everything is crashing down.

So even if you don’t feel strong right now – The chances are you’re stronger than you think ♡

My Journey through Mental Illness available on amazon – search “In Bloom Not Broken”

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Posted in anxiety, mental health, mental health awareness, mental health campaigner

Why Having A Meltdown Is Necessary

We all, I think try and hold back emotions, our true feelings and selves sometimes but more often than not this will find a way of exploding.

Recently with the stress of having to cancel my event through what I felt what lack of support, understanding, ticket sales, my partner losing his job, health issues, and general life stress it all exploded in to a cluster fuck of shit. One big explosion of emotion that took my feet from underneath me.

I am still not 100% and the level of pure anxiety from the aftermath of everything recently is still lingering and while I may simmer for a while, it it is taking the smallest things to bring that back to the boil.

Everything is uncertain at the moment from where I am going to where I am going to live, the fact rent can’t be paid, I may not be able to continue on to level 3 of counselling course that I have worked so hard to complete level 2 due to funds, what is going to happen to us a family……It’s fairly overwhelming right now but one thing I have learned recently is to choose who I work with closely in relation to mental health projects and also that melting in to a million pieces is okay, it’s necessary sometimes. We are human, we all have limits – you have limits. Don’t ever think that breaking and crying and despairing is weak or isn’t okay somehow, because it IS okay, because you, me, all of us, we are in the words of Rag ‘n’ Bone Man “Only Human After all”

Posted in mental health, mental health campaigner

UK Blog Awards – Please Vote for me ♡

I’m through to the next stage of the UK Blog Awards 2019 which is very exciting!

The UK Blog Awards celebrates bloggers from a whole range of different categories and I am under the “Mental Health” and “Wellbeing” categories.

These awards mean the world to me due to their ethos and what understand for. Alot of their social posts are very much of my own beliefs and what I try to convey and so I’m chuffed to bits that I am in this next round.

40% of this next round is on public vote and so very much in your hand and I would be SO grateful if you could take seconds to vote for me HERE

To win this would be amazing, I often doubt myself and so this would not only be a major achievement for me but it would also have the potential to open up further possibilities and opportunities to use my voice and experience to help others which is what I ultimately want to do.

Some of you may or may not know that I start a counselling course next week (on my birthday!) Which I have wanted to do for at least 8 years!! My ultimate goal and dream is to one day have a little retreat where people can go when feeling suicidal with no where else to go for a respite.

All of the things I am doing here with this website, with the media things I’ve been involved with, these awards I feel it’s all to lead to something where I can use my voice on a larger scale and have a little house of hope! That’s the dream. That’s the goal and these awards are another little step in that direction for me so it really would mean the world to me if you could vote and share to as others to do the same. I really would appreciate it ♡

Thank you lovelies ♡♡